Sunday, June 12, 2011

Breath Before the Jump

You know when you are on a roller coaster and your climbing the first major hill? Your anticipation grows-there's excitement and fear rushing through you all at the same time. That's the best way I can explain the last couple of days. I have the moments when I can't wait to see my family in Ecuador again. Then I have the moments where I struggle because I question why I'm going off by myself. Many people go on mission's trips in groups, which I love. I think it's wonderful to be able to travel and serve with a group of believers. However, I am beginning the journey of my second solo mission's trip-that's hard for me. I definitely have moments that I wish my sister or a good friend or even a group was going with me. God is still sovereign, and He has a good and loving reason things have worked out this way. To be completely honest, I've struggled the last few days, really had to wrestle and pray through things because I feel like my perspective will sway so easily. Though I know this what God wants me to do, sometimes right before following in a specific way, hardships get thrown at you. No monumental trial has occurred, but continual battle is needed against this legalist mentality inside of me that places far to much weight on my actions. I think things like I didn't say the right thing to encourage that friend, I made things worse by doing/not doing this, God's frustrated because I didn't wait on Him like I should have, God's disappointed because I cannot joyfully wait in the midst of the unknown, things are going to go wrong now because I wasn't as faithful as I should have been....I could go on. I place too much on my own actions- in short, I am being self-focused. That shouldn't shock me , but my pride lets it. As I wrestled through all these things in my head, I spent some time just walking and praying and listening to podcasts. One of the speakers reminded me that to get better the solution is not to focus on what I need to do or not do, but I need to be reminded and be in awe of the Gospel again and again. God's the One who is going to produce change, and when I am constantly looking to Him, He will compose the change needed. I think I tend to equate struggling with failure or even sin, but that's not true. Struggle is not sin; it's what I do with the struggle that leads to sin or back to Christ. In the last couple of weeks, I have had a lot of "messy" prayers, times where I just feel utterly messed up-but through those prayers God reminds me of His steadfast love.
All of that to say, I think God is trying to prepare me for something in these next five weeks. I don't expect it will be easy, but I do know that He promises to always be with me. If noting else, these last few days God has increased my need and desire to come to Him with absolutely EVERYTHING. I am not getting it allright, but God is helping me know Him better. So that's where I am at tonight, two days before my trip. Im taking the breathe before the descent, and I'll let you know what God does through the ride.
Before I was afflicted I went astray,but now I keep Your word.You are good,and You do what is good;teach me Your statutes. ~Psalm 119~

1 comment:

  1. "Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we could ask or think" according to His purpose, His power and His glory.

    Sit back and enjoy the ride. Dios te usará.

    Orando por ti, la familia Rubin-Christian (Mark & Jennifer)